Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Happy Birthday Aquarius. According to astral charts everything should be hunky-dory. But hey, let’s get real. You’re dealing with Thelma & Louise here and things are not always what they seem. Still scratching your frontal lobe for any sensation? Wondering why Santa left you a piece of coal in your stocking? Reality is what you make of it. Did you know that when you mix up the letters in Santa you can spell Satan! Your wake up call is now ringing full blast.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20) You were so sure that you were on Santa’s nice list and still he did not meet your demands. Ever thought that maybe the old man prefers naughty boys and girls! Time to change your strategy. Out with the old and in with the new. Don’t letany idiot hold you back from living life the way you see fit!

Aries (March 21-April 19) So did you jingle any bells over the holidays? Too bad if you missed out. Things will not extract themselves any further if that is what you were hoping for. Once you’ve done growing, that’s all she wrote. But your nose continues to grow throughout your life. It’s a heads or tails question for ya.

Taurus (April 20-May 19) Did you know that a black hole kills everything around it? It just sucks and sucks until every living thing in its path is destroyed. Words of wisdom for you: receiving is okay, having the world revolve around you is okay. But what is not okay is becoming that cold, dark and distant black hole with no remorse, capable of killing without even trying or caring.

Gemini (May 20-June 21) What is a Gemini? A schizophrenic, split personality, two faced dichotomy. This is what people see when they look at your face. Stop trying to impersonate a mystery/horror novel. Not everyone loves one. Some even read the end in order to make any sense out of the whole mess. Try a little harder to be normal (hell, take a course). Things will not fall into place until you do. Get therapy!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Why isn’t the universe listening you ask? Is it too much to ask for everything? First of all, you are the master of your universe. You shape and manipulate everything around you. This is not the problem. The problem lies when the universe is not obedient to you commands. It’s time to crack the whip. You are the dominator. Establish your supremacy.

Leo (July 23-Aug 23) Remember that song: Two out three ain’t bad? Love is a state of mind which is closely related to hate. It requires tremendous amounts of time and energy. Most of the time it is all in vain. Save time and money. Shit, shower and shave maybe then you’ll attract more than just flies. Compris?

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22) Hell, your life is the hokey-pokey. Always on the move. Tasting free samples as you go. You have a tendency to stray farther than you wish to go. This strikes immediate fear into your heart. Heads up and make a run for the door. If you dare to stay, the reflection in the mirror (if there is one at all) will be that of a stranger.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) Use paint instead of force, with your smile that is. It will be less painful and prove less costly in the long run. Using plastic surgery to relax certain facial muscles is expensive. Paint can easily be washed off. Why are you trying so hard in the first place? Perfection is an illusion.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Once there was a being who was starving out in the desert. He (or she) came upon an oasis and found a cracker. It was the best he had ever eaten and promised would be the only thing he would ever eat. Years went by, the crackers became tasteless. He was tempted to try the Oreo’s and so he did. Moral: don’t settle for mere satisfaction and don’t be a cracker.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 22) Your flair of “je ne sais quoi” is starting to smell. Give it a rest already. You are just another color in the rainbow, not a new one. Too much Vaseline makes the teeth shiny yeah, but don’t let its true purpose escape you. Time to use this info and mix with one of the other colors of the rainbow and have fun creating a new one!

Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 19) Seriously, it’s time to hibernate. Your astral phase (2 weeks accordingto our calculations) is over. We might have inflated you with the last reading, but enough is enough.Using sleep as an upper might prove to be the best medicine for you. Innuendo is not a communicabledisease. Stop trying to be so contagious.