My sympathies go out to our friends and colleagues at Hydro Quebec regarding the recent beatings they’ve endured in the Quebec media.

It all started when an ungrateful Radio-Canada TV crew broke through HQ’s wall of security at one of their installations, embarrassing President Andre (Monsieur Caille to his Cree friends) Caille and his loyal sentries. Understandably, Caille tried to stop the news piece from being aired, employing his multitude of lawyers and citing “national security” as the reason for the injunction. And then, a grave injustice, the judge, no Solomon he, ruled in favour of the network and the story broke.

Within hours la merde hit the fan in Premier Charest’s office and Caille was called in to lick some Liberal feet before cleaning up the place and ridding it of its foul stench. Word was sent to the corporation’s troops to double security lickety split. The entire Cree and Québécois nations slept soundly that night knowing that Osama’s henchmen had been thwarted in their plans to cut the flow of energy to Montreal and Springfield, Massachusetts.

In no time at all, a copy cat crew from the TVA network penetrated another installation and, wanting only to embarrass the Creebecois Nation, gleefully aired their story. This time, la merde clogged up the fans, causing political fuses to blow and send Monsieur Caille into a massive blackout. As a result, Johnny Charest’s premiership and Andy Caille’s presidency are both skating on thin ice well before spring breakup. For shame!

As a lowly yet loyal Creebecois citizen, I can only do my small part in defending our freedom and profits by offering a few simple suggestions to our brave security forces. Armed guards posted at all HQ buildings, gates, dikes, roads and dams. While we’re at it we should even outfit them in spiffy SS-like uniforms that command respect. You know how some Cree women like a man in uniform. Vicious and hungry Rottweillers, Doberman Pinschers and German Shepherds can also strike fear in our enemies as they run them down. Release the hounds I say. State-of-the-art armoured vehicles should be on patrol around the clock. Known Cree dissidents who refuse to comply with the New Order should be required to sport bright armbands emblazoned with a stylized goose in flight. That’ll show ’em. Finally and most importantly, security personnel should be given the right to arrest and hold without charges anyone found wandering around HQ sites wizzout ze proper papers. And ve should defelop vays of making zem talk, jah?

Long before Grand Chief Ted Moses forged our glorious alliance with Hydro Quebec, a friend and I once snuck through the security gate outside Radisson. We committed this crime not to sabotage Hydro Quebec but to go for a few drinks in their bar and hopefully spend the night. My friend breathlessly described to me the many wonders and delights to be had in Radisson. The bar, the liquor store and comfortable accommodations. Impressionable young lad that I was, and desperate for a bit of adventure, I was easily swayed. He secured a ride to the end of the Chisasibi road and we started hitchhiking towards the town. Within minutes a truck with a crew cab picked us up and we hid in the back and he was waved through the gate. The lights of Radisson shone brightly above the surrounding hills as we approached and we could taste the excitement that lay ahead. Our plan was to check into the hotel, stock up on snacks and drinks for the party afterwards, freshen up a bit and head down to the bar. Simple.

We were not greeted with a smile at the reception counter when we asked for a room for two. Instead she told us to wait and picked up the phone and dialled a number. Within minutes two men in uniform entered the lobby and demanded to know how we had passed through the gate. I sang like a canary and described the guy who had smuggled us in. Our names and statements were taken and then we were escorted to a waiting security vehicle and dumped off at the Chisasibi turnoff. Now that was security Hydro Quebec could depend on back then.

I can’t help feeling that once most Crees were no longer considered a potential threat HQ let their guard down just a bit, completely forgetting that there are other forces out there that are still out to get them. And that in their rush to add to the billions in profit churned out of Cree rivers by stinting on security, Monsieur Caille et al just might not be ready when threat comes in a different form than two boys out for a night of debauchery.