Cancer (June 22-July 22) Happy BirthdayCancerian brethrens, a word of warning to you on this joyousoccasion of yours: You might consider picking up some holy waterand a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although we arestill trying to figure how…(?)
Leo (July 23-Aug 23) PLEASE!?! Sometime soon you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Unless you are trying to attract attention from an unwanted source, like say those flies around your head?!
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22) You will have an intellectual conversation with a potato, soon. You will be so caught up in it that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows more about life than you do. Later, this will later irritate you.
Ubra (Sept 23-Oct 22) There is no such thing as balance, moderation or fairness. For instance, what you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later, when it is too late to change anything. For now, enjoy yourself!
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Confidential to female of the species: your boyfriend is kinda quiet, I bet that if you smack him around a bit, he’d talk then. For the males species: words of wisdom from us to you: DENY EVERYTHING. Explanations are not necessary.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 22) Excellent time to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. Partly cloudy with a 40% chance of rain this week. High this week of 25 C with a low of 12 C. Can we forecast or what? Whatcha think ‘bout dat?
Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 19) This week you will ignore the warning
label of the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake. A big one, but much needed. We do not want to expose the population toyour radioactive morning breath.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Will you promise to not get a stunt person for your quantum leaps of faith for you? In your childish dreams of a Hollywood bio, smash hit of a movie, remember that it is all make believe. Hell, even Alice figured that one out in Wonderland. **l/2.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20) This week is the week you will discover your larger cosmic destiny. A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. No, not the ones that come on after midnight. Then again, who knows. Love is blind after all!
Arles (March 21-April 19) Ask three people who understand you best to describe in detail what’s most wonderful about you. Okay, Okay. Something simpler, ask one person who truly, deeply understands you to describe three of your best qualities. That should keep them busy all summer.
Taurus (April 20-May 19) You have a secret need to prove everyone wrong. It beats having you look like a butt-head in front of everyone, by making them all look like butt-heads for you. Words or warning: program 91 I on your speed dial.
Gemini (May 20-june 21) Dazed and confused is pretty good, isn’t it? So what’s up?Already tired of partying your guts out during your time of reign in the heavenly skies? Itis so unlike you Gemini’s to give up without a fight. Isn’t testing the limits of realityyour turn-on?