This issue, both REZnotes writers are together and writing this column. This is a conversation (supposed to be an interview).
TOAO- “So, how was your Christmas?”
I ask Neil Diamond. “Mine wasn’t so bad this year, got my black socks (again) and some new longjohns. What kinda loot did you get?”
NDIAMON- Loot? Is that what they call longjohns up here? They call them sportswear in Montreal. And I think they call them pyjamas in other parts of Cree territory. Anyway, what’s X-mas like in Greatest Whale?
TOAO- That’s not as bad as the rubber shorts I got during my bed wetting days but to answer your question, X-mas is usually cold around here and sometimes Santa’s reindeer get shot at and eaten, I think because they look so much like the caribou that infest this area. Yup, caribou are the bane of the environment and also for landing aircraft, have to go and shoo them off the runway just so the plane can land. Santa doesn’t have the problem though, ’cause he just lands on rooftops.
NDIAMON- That’s funny. I’ve been here for almost 12 hours and I haven’t seen a single caribou. Must be because of the blizzard that’s been raging nonstop. I wish it would stop ‘cause I want to shoot me a baby caribou right from your front window. Hey, what’s the plural of caribou?
TOAO- Let me see…one caribou, two caribi? I suspect that the plural of caribou is herd. I think you’ll be here long enough if this little storm (you call a blizzard) doesn’t let up and the plane doesn’t make it in and then you’ll get your chance to pick off a baby caribou out the back door. Got you FAC? I’ll have to report you, you know, in case you miss and hit one of the other hundred or so hunters in the area.
NDIAMON- (“FAC” for all you nonshooters is a piece of paper that says you can own and operate a firearm. A bit like a drivers license but not as dangerous.) Hey man, how’s it been writing Rez Notes for the past few months? Has it helped you pick up any chicks at the social club? Have you received any hate mail yet?
TOAO- I did get some threats from politicians for revealing their dirty laundry in the election fever column, so far, and some old ladies, who I think don’t read English tried to kiss me on my cheek, mistaking me for some long lost relative and that’s about it. Not too much glamour in this job, not like you anyways, making movies and all that.
NDIAMON-Yeah, being threatened by politicians, I miss that. I think everyone at The Nation misses that. It hasn’t happened in a while. Walter, where are you when we need you?
So, why won’t you reveal your true identity? Will you ever? How much money would you accept? And are we going to the pub tonight? My treat.
TOAO- Well, I did a world wide search to see if anyone else had the same name as me and I couldn’t find any, I couldn’t even find my own name. So I figured that being called the one and only should do and I stuck to that. I use the misnomer quite often, but no-one seems to get it, no matter how hard I drop the hint. Even when I tell them I do the Rez notes, while you’ve been off for a while, doesn’t seem to ring any bells. So I figure, why not tell everyone. Next year, I guess.
NDIAMON- You didn’t answer my other questions. Are we going to the pub tonight? Should we brave the wolves and polar bears and the blizzard for a pitcher or three? I hear there’s been a lot of action there lately. And the food is apparently not too bad. Let’s do it man! Drop everything, steal a ski-doo. We’ll drink to a job soon to be well done.
TOAO- You kidding, ever see a polar bear up close. Besides, with this kind of weather the pub and the club are both closed. NDIAMON, where did you go. Geez, he left without me, probably need his dose of antifreeze.
Happy New Year, everyone, you too neil.
– The one and only.