One of the craziest times of the year is breathing down our necks like some rabid vampire who hasn’t had a drop of blood in days. The skies overhead drip with snow-tinged blasts of air as children and adults brave the elements to go trick or treating from one spooky porch door to the next. Yes, it’s that creepy time of the year again – Halloween.

The many painted faces, babies in cute bunny outfits, teens who look like Justin Bieber, scary hunchbacked ogres, sweet angels and plumped-out grannies crowd the stairwell to hell, some with nary a word, some using gestures to intimidate me to toss candies into their loot bags. Once in a while, the silent ones show up, never daring to reveal their identities, lest we recognize them and Facebook the world with their silly costumes.

Today, Halloween is almost over, given the fact that Christmas sales are already on television and in Walmart. One thing about Walmart, it’s that no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape the doorman when you have freshly exited your cash register stall, bare seconds ago. (I know this is off topic, but it’s leading somewhere.)

If only I had a costume the last time I tried to buy one at a local Walmart, and if only the doorman wore a police costume, then maybe the theatrics that many face at Walmart leaving with their piles of newly purchased goods would be more understandable and perhaps even more forgiving. But alas, this is not so. I wish that Walmart would just leave their customers alone after spending hours in their store, gratefully spending money for goods that aren’t always available at home. At least some respect for the honest shopper, like a simple “Thanks for shopping here!” At least?

Well, back to Halloween and the mad dash to hide one’s true looks with one that you physiologically wish you were. Now, the ones who cross dress are maybe actually hiding their true desires, while the ones who dress like vampires really wish they could just change into a bat and fly away, or perhaps it’s the sucking of blood that turns them on. Maybe, those who dress like doctors actually have a hankering for a nurse or to be nursed. One time, I went dressed as the mythical keeper of lost socks, complete with dryer lint for hair and nearly all the socks I owned pinned to my good shirt might make many think that I actually like to do laundry, or have a tendency to sniff clothes fresh off a clothesline. But I beg to differ, I’m not like that at all… I think.

Weather wise, I forecast a hell of a Halloween, so make sure that you have some sweaters and long johns hidden under your veil of deception this time, as the skies will open up and cause a major icing on most highways and cancel any witch’s plans for travel by broom or by airline or by any method, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Beware the weatherman, he is disguised as a clever liar and will make you suffer if you believe him or not. But most of all, watch out for anyone driving around wearing a mask, as their visibility is hampered by their steamy breathing and beads of sweat, so they might just bump into something they normally wouldn’t hit if dressed for driving. And watch out for bad rotten apples and razorblades. Booooo….