The mystery of the NASA presence in the Cree Territory has been solved. Those brilliant minds at NASA have determined that James Bay Crees possess the mentality best suited for long-term space exploration, such as the upcoming Mars mission. It was no accident that NASA ended up in James Bay; it seems that a panel of experts in the fields of psychology and human behavior were brought together to determine if there existed a specific culture or environment which bred the Right Stuff.
First, certain behavioral patterns were targeted for this type of space travel. The panel then starting analyzing cultures to determine if one group produced individuals with this make up. They found that semi-nomadic and food-gathering lifestyles are cultural differences that put Crees far ahead of the other groups. NASA then narrowed the search down to a shortlist of people whom they contacted and conducted interviews with and tests on to determine who would be the chosen Cree to face prolonged space travel. And the winner is…. Leroy DancingMoon.
Although it is not a name that is familiar to most of us, Leroy assured us that he is in fact from the Cree Nation. He said that he asked that his name be chosen traditionally, so the elders came up with the name when he was a teenager. We were curious as to its origin so we asked Leroy if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson dance craze in the 1980s. He responded by removing his pants and jumping around the room yelling, “look at me, look at me.”
Leroy would not disclose his real last name to us. According to a NASA spokesperson, they asked for a set of his fingerprints for identification purposes. Apparently, Leroy brought in a set that was later determined to belong to a “business acquaintance” working on the corner of St-Laurent and Ste-Catherine. Needless to say, NASA redid the psychological profile and still concluded that Leroy would be the best candidate for the upcoming space exploration.
Leroy told us that he requested NASA to equip the shuttle with storage space for his snowshoes. NASA responded that he would not need such equipment in space. Leroy responded “Yeah, well which one of you Einsteins has been to Mars before… I didn’t think so, pack ’em.”
Leroy stated that after that confrontation NASA didn’t question him on further requests.
He also decided to bring his 12-guage along. After all, Chikaapaash found good hunting grounds on the moon. Although NASA emphasized that if Leroy encountered other forms of life to make sure that mankind’s first meeting is a friendly one. Leroy told us, “Well, after years of eating food that’s all mushed up, you bet if I see anything I’m going to be real friendly. I’ll have a friendly little feast that is.”
Leroy then went on to tell us about some of his training in preparation for space travel. After going into a gravity-free room, I was floating and asked to do things. Leroy said he did excellent on this phase of his training but that it was not his first time with this type of experience.
Leroy relates that one time he had to go to an elder in his village to help him and that they traveled out of their bodies in search of something. The Nation asked if he was looking for deep answers to something or looking for himself. Leroy responded, “no, my car keys – I looked everywhere to find them so I turned to a traditional method of solving my problem. It was a good thing too, because when we found the keys, three towns over from my village. No wonder, I couldn’t find them because some couple had somehow changed my 1987 Hyundai Pony into the shape of a 1998 Lincoln Navigator. If it wasn’t for that elder, those b*stards would still be driving my car today.”
Anyone that wants him to take any pictures to send some film to him and he will take some pictures for you of Mars or anywhere else he travels to. He is still trying to figure out how to send them back to you but assures us he will call and let you know when he does. Leroy is also uncertain of his exact address but figures if you put his name on an envelope with NASA, USA your film will get to him eventually.
When asked how he felt about going into deep space, Leroy responded “you know there is still a lot we haven’t figured out here on earth and their sending me to another planet… I think they’re just asking for another bucket load of questions and problems to deal with but they’re offering to feed me, pay me and give me one hell of a ride, so who am I to complain.”
Well Leroy, the whole Cree Nation is behind you, happy hunting and we’ll see you in 30 or 40 years when the mission is over. Watchiya.
This story is not true. It is only an Aprils Fools Day Joke. Any resembalences to the living or dead are purely coincidental.
We do believe it may be possible for Crees to go into outer space if they wish.
We in no way encourage or condone drugs or mooning. We apologize in advance If you were offended, shocked, dismayed or had any negafive emotion.
If you have suffered an outbreak of moral indignation at or as a result of this attempt at humor, we can only offer our humblest apoligies in advance. From the Editorial Board and all the staff of The Nation.