Bush, vs Gore, Chretien vs Day, Coon-come vs Fontaine and the list goes on. Who the hell knows who to vote for any more. Somedays I wonder if elections really do matter and if the results of those promises made by the winners actually come true. Perhaps there’s a way to interpret beforehand the promises made by those you vote for, presented in actual and real terms. I know that if you vote for me, what I say is really what I mean to carry out. Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to get political in this satire of modern politics, but what the heck, …‘Vote for me’ as my infamous predeccesor (Neil Diamond) often said, without much success, I must add. Perhaps, there’s a lesson to be learned from all this… that the real winners of any election are the winners of the election themselves, not the people who voted for or against them.
I’ve written up a number of campaign promises from politicians and I’ve interpreted those promises into their true meanings. These interpretations are down in a serious manner, not unlike the interpretation of bad dreams you often read about in those sleazy tabloids.
Promise : Vote for me and I’ll decrease the unemployment rate- really means- I intend to hire everyone in my family and give them jobs that no-one will ever be able to replace, and the same goes for my extended family and especial^ the juiciest jobs, I’ll give to my best friends.
Promise : If elected, the crime rate will go down – really means- I’ll decrease the budget for the peacekeeeprs so that the number of actual crimes will never be reported to the police and never ever be brought to court, bringing all crime statistics down.
Promise : I’ll increase the number of housing units so that everyone will have a home really means- I’ll buy all the 25 year old trailers from Hydro Quebec and create a massive trailer park.
Promise : The first order of business will be to tackle the deficit – really means-once I get that high paying position. I’ll make sure to pay off all my bills and debts.
Promise : I’ll do something postive for the youth and give them what ever they need to grow into the positive influence that all our communities need- really means- I’ll ignore them until they’re too old to be elegible to be considered to be youth and those that are young enough, what the hell, give them the garbage duty again this summer and clean up the mess that us older folks left behind.
Promise : Economic development is a priority- really means- let’s get into business that no-one knows how to carry out, then when we’re in financial trouble, we’ll hire experts to tell us where we went wrong by writing a 500 page report on the only reason why-we spend too much money : honorarium and board of directors per diems, plus travel and lodging expenses.
Promise : that all band run organizations will be reorganized- really means- I’ll change the job titles of my cronies and make them sound more important so that if anyone questions their motives and actions, the treasurer/auditor/anyone lower than them in the corporate structure, will always get the blame for their mistakes.
Promise : A new arena so we can have the next Gretsky! – really means- no more shoveling and fresh air, and driving the Zamboni is fun!
Promise : Meetings will be held in the communities so that the benefits will reflect on the local economy – really means-three more years of meeting in Montreal/ Ottawa/Val d’Or to actually make the decision to meet in the communities in the future.
Promise : to create a positive environment for our children so that they will grow into fine examples for the community- really means : I’ll send my kids out to some other school down south so that they will have a greater edge on the other kids, when it comes time to hire them for those juicy jobs.
Alcoholism and drug abuse will go down- really means- I’ll party in another time zone where no-one knows me.
Promise : to carry out all resolutions passed before by the boards/councils/ etc… before me- really means- I’ll by-pass all decision making processes and implement the ones that make me look good, even though it wasn’t my idea and I opposed it in the last election campaign.
Promise : I’ll increase the visibility of our community in the eyes of our nation -really means-We’ll have a standoff/road-block/useless demonstration, and get shot at by the militia/police force/ gamewardens over the issue of gun control legislation.
Whatever the promise is, there really is an underlying reason for that politician to want to get elected. It never really is for the promises, but for the promise of power.
‘Nuff said, so next time, vote for me and I promise not to make any promises.