Admiral Christopher Columbus, infamous explorer and pillager of already-occupied continents, was arrested Monday at the University of Oregon in Eugene. He was charged with aggravated murder, first degree rape, first degree sodomy, kidnapping, theft, fraud, assault with deadly intent, trespass and criminal mischief when a bystander witnessed the Admiral accosting students, yelling, “Happy Genocide Day!” demanding gold and threatening to cut off their hands or abduct and sell them into slavery.

“Get outta here with your rotten attitude!” heckled university students, who tried to chase him away, throwing rocks and beer bottles.

Traveling with fencing “Conquistadores,” Spanish soldiers in heavy armament, Columbus roared defiantly when confronted by students. “What!? It’s MY holiday. Happy Genocide!” Fleeing citizens’ arrest and assaulting a bus driver, he was pepper-sprayed by Eugene police and subdued.

King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain were arrested by customs agents at the Madrid airport trying to transport stolen property – gold from Jews and Indians – and could not be reached for comment.

Witnesses said Columbus cowered and waived his Miranda rights while taken into custody, muttering about “liberal plots” against him. A search warrant was served on his ship, which was towed by a mountain bike. When searched by police several dread-locked EarthFirstiers were found in the hull and released. “Discovered” in Columbus’s ship were 10 dozen bars of Black Hills gold, several hundred million board feet of timber stolen from the Williamette National Forest, and a card from a Florence-area developer.

Suspicious the Admiral was hoarding other contraband, the police strip-searched him and held him at the Lane County Corrections Facility until Friday. Determining that the nefarious colonist suffers from paranoid schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur, health officials forcibly administered Halizon, Lane County Corrections officials said.

The Conquistadores were arrested at the California-Mexi-can border by the Mexican Army. Extradited to Mexico City they face similar charges and, If convicted, the death penalty by a Mexican firing squad, according to an Amnesty International press release.

Christopher Columbus was deported by the Immigration and Naturalization ServiceFriday to Geneva and charged for violating international laws against slavery,genocide and ecocide. He, Ferdinand and Isabella face a United Nations tribunalcomprised of Pagans, Jews, Moors, African-Americans and Indigenous Americans.