By the time most of you read this edition of The Nation, election day will, sadly, have come and gone. It is a mere seven days before the vote and I still don’t know who my opponents are. Those career politicians, they like to sneak up on you. They don’t even bother to reveal their agendas and plans for this great nation of ours. Whereas we told you ours weeks before even being nominated, not to mention before even being on the ballot.

Hold on… Let’s back up a bit here… We might not have been on the ballot at all. There’s still time, as we write this, for my political enemies to have my name stricken from the ballot. According to the bible, a copy of which I can’t seem to locate at this time, of Cree political junkies (the James Bay and Northern Quebec Agreement), a beneficiary may move to have a person’s name taken off the ballot if they deem the nominee unsuitable to rule. It doesn’t say it quite as concisely but you know how those documents are. Boring as hell and all in legalese to keep the proletariat in the dark and underfoot. But we shouldn’t let the negative aspects of democracy stop us. Otherwise we’d never get anywhere.

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, I won’t even know until two working days before the vote who’s to be our leader. The deadline for the nominations was the 19th of August; the deadline for the nominees to either accept or decline said nominations is four days later on the 23rd. That gives the candidates two working days to reveal their platforms before election day on the 28th. Who wrote up these rules? Why are they in such a hurry? The voter deserves to know what the hell everybody who aspires for office is up to. What are the candidates’ thoughts on employment? The youth? Repatriation of Cree “artifacts”? Hydro-Quebec spraying herbicides along power lines? Nepotism? Forestry? Multi-nationals dumping nuclear waste in our backyard? Do they prefer their drinks shaken or stirred? As for me, I’m, for, for, for, against, depends, against, against and both. But you probably already knew that. Because that’s the kind of open, honest, “call it like it is” kind of guy that you would want or may already have voted for.

By the time you read this I might be: (a) Grand Chief Elect, (b) just another could’ve-been drowning in my stirred drink or was it shaken, (c) in Chisasibi investigating yet another sighting (this one witnessed by two Elders after the fireworks display.) Thanking you in advance. I remain,
Neil Diamond