It makes me really sad to hear or to read these kinds of stories about women being abused by their husbands. I too, would like to share my own experience of an abusive relationship with my husband. As I look back through the days, the times that turned into years, living with him and his constant drinking and abuse; how much I’ve put up with him. No one has that right to say or better yet, to judge, and say that I deserved it.
The abuse began a few months after we got married. He would go out and drink, he’d come home angry. Other times he wouldn’t come home at all. Sometimes he’d be out drinking for three or four days. I guess during that time he was away, that’s when he was told about a lot of things and that’s why he would come home angry. Some of his friends would tell him stories; actually I should say made-up stories. Some friends they were, huh!
Here is one of his many accusations or should I say one of his many fights with me. He came home accusing me of standing by the window looking for him; he was so drunk that he barely remembered what he did when he came home. I was in bed with two kids when he came into the room, jumped on me, started punching me, pulling at my hair. At the same time he was talking, saying all sorts of things, accusing me of this and that. I had to do something so he wouldn’t wake up the kids. I pushed him away, I ran towards the living room, he grabbed me again, threw me on the floor and he sat on top of me with his legs on my arms so I couldn’t move at all. He grabbed me by the hair banging my head on the floor over and over, and then he started choking me, I couldn’t move and started to panic. I said to myself; “this is it, this is the end.” I almost gave up. Then I heard my kids crying. All I saw was the darkness, nothing but pitch black darkness. I moved my head, I felt something on my lips and it was his arm which I bit. He had no choice but to move his other arm and I pushed him away. That was one of his many fights and angry ways of coming home.
As we moved on and looking at the causes, looking at the times when I got beaten; it’s through people’s mouths, gossip, rumors, made-up stories, stories about my person, my personal life, which some think that they have the rights to assume or even accuse others of doing such things when they are not even true. Yet these kind of people never realized or knew the damages they’ve done to others. I for one would be ashamed to talk bad about someone or assume that they are doing this and that.
One of the biggest issues here in our community is assumption. People assuming this and that about others, making up stories based on those assumptions and creating situations between couples that are terrible and often tragic.
Now that my husband no longer drinks, one cannot say that he’s fully recovered from his drinking, he is on the road to it. It’s been a few years now that he’s stopped drinking, I don’t even know exactly. Now when he gets angry, he’s more reasonnable, he knows that being violent won’t solve any situations at all.
As for me, I began my healing journey since 1996,1 still am on my journey. I’ve learned a lot in the past few years about our relationship, our couple. There were times that I wanted to just walk out forever, never looking back. As of today, I still feel that way; to just walk out. I guess I’m too optimistic to do that.
The hard times or the trouble we went through in the past 19 years to me seems to have helped us in our relationship; we have a stronger relationship now. It’s like building a tower or even a house, you try to build it strong enough so it can withstand anything, it’s kind of like that also in a relationship. I guess I can say it all adds up to love and forgiveness, to build a strong relationship. Forgiveness is a big word. Acceptance is another big word. I call them big words, that’s how some people look at them or turn them into, it’s very hard for them to have these words in their lives, I guess that’s why they think they’re such big words. Think about it for a moment, the meaning of these two words: forgiveness and acceptance.
In the issue of the Nation vol. 10-2 on Dec 13, 2002, in the article “A Cree woman’s story,” the abused victim stated “people were so harsh towards me… there’s a part about judging also … people hurting each others by telling stories behind their backs.” Those three statements do go around in every community. If only we could all learn how to accept each other then you wouldn’t have so much of the judging and the talking too.
My understanding regarding relationships, the causes of the relationships, most of them that end up in divorce, separation, spouse abuse and other problems; the cause of them are those things that go around in our communities, like I call them big words: people can’t accept others (the good or the bad), people can’t forgive.
That’s all I have to say for now. I hope I will get another chance to write another article in the near future. But I’ll remain anonymous. I will be Anonymous #3.
