Green is everywhere you go, on the back and front pages of magazines, science shows, sprouted by political wannabes on television, people talking about their carbon imprint. It’s all about the current state of the biological world, which is now determined to be dismal. Go green, stay green, and use your green thumb to figure out what should be consumed and produced.

I thought that the Jolly Green Giant had this figured out a long time ago just as I thought that we had our act together as a country. I always thought that green meant money. But today, with all the multicolored currency available on the Canadian market, it’s hard to use money in the same sentence as the environment.

With all the money made to make this country a cesspool of environmental disasters, I say there should be enough money out there to clean it up, too. Perhaps destroying the environment is a way to tell us that the environment is important to our lives here on earth. That we should think of future generations instead of just making money left and right, or making liquid assets more valuable than the land it sits on. Or making an upwardly mobile dollar determine our value, instead of what it’s really worth, our future.

Time to come up with solutions. My master plan for a green future rests in hard work, elbow grease (recyclable, of course) and pure drinking water for everyone. We’ll start off with our backyards. Get rid of everything that looks like it’s fit for the pit and pile it up in one place, like the dump. Take all the dumped material and bulldoze it down until it’s nicely compacted and then transport it down and sell it to some recycling plant, then take that money and buy beer in recyclable containers like aluminum cans, and then sell it to some

rich retailer up north, who can then sell the beer to us, then we can pick up the cans and redo the circle, over and over again, until we can’t get back off the ground.

We can also save on paper by not cutting down trees to make the paper we use and discard like it came from the dump. We could stop using paper again and use moss instead of toilet paper to wipe our sensitive behinds, thereafter managing to plug every toilet bowl from here to eternity. Instead, we could leave everything back on the ground where it came from, providing much-needed nutrients for that poor starving caribou moss, decreasing their re-growth time from one century to half a century.

We could go back to making compost. Imagine all the money we could save and make from recycling all our crap and leftovers? From the behinds of many to the front yards of the rich and famous, we will spread our compost every spring and grow our own tailor made environment.

This has happened for millennia in other parts of the world, why can’t we? I know what I would do with all my compost; I would deposit it near my goose blind and grow corn to attract those flying protein delicacies and compete with the southern farms for the geese’s attention.

We could go back to paddling and walking, stop our vehicles instead of idling at inspiration point, use clotheslines instead of dryers, turn off all the lights and go to bed early instead of staying up all night, give the kids a stick and ball for Christmas instead of those expensive electrically operated games. Or we could just be a Scrooge instead of gluttonously overspending on whatever we want and save on gift wrapping. I say, just be careful with your impact on the environment, just like we used to in the old days.