To the Editor:
Re: Rez Notes this issues.
NEMASKA – This is to inform you that there will not be a Rez Notes this issue. The reason, or rather the reasons, being that… well… frankly, I just can’t be bothered with it right now. I have too many things on my mind. Some too painful and deeply personal to mention here. You probably know what I’m talking about. Besides, you don’t pay me enough. Two thousands bucks a week! What do you take me for?
The other reason for my not being able to write the (bleep) is the criticism the column received days ago by a few readers who probably and understandably want to remain anonymous. I believe their exact words were, “Where’s the rez in Rez Notes? It’s more like his diary now?” They’re right. Sort of. You see, what our critics don’t realize is that the rez is not just a place. It can be and is a state of mind. By this I mean you don’t have to be on the rez to be on the rez. I hope I’m making myself clear. I know it sounds like I’m stoned, but trust me, I’m not. Besides, you know I never touch the stuff. Come to think of it, being stoned would be reason enough not to write the column. I’m sure you agree with me, as always, on that point.
Back to the critics I was talking about. Apparently, they also don’t like the fact that I sometimes use the F, the S and the P words. I’m sorry but you know how I am with deadlines. Yes, some people consider them vulgar but we live in vulgar times, my dear friend! I guess you could say when the going gets vulgar, the vulgar get going. Ha! Seriously… this is very Pentecostal of them and you know how I feel about that kind of stuff. Whatever.
Before I forget, they do like the stuff on the great chef Jean Cuisine. So that’s a gold star for us.
Another complaint that was passed on to me was the lack of juicy gossip in the Notes. It seems some of our readers miss hearing about their people making fools of themselves, of others or what have you. I don’t care. I suppose we could make them happy and tell them about the former chief who bought an overpriced hunting dog from down south last spring only to find out at his blind that his mighty hunting dog was terrified of guns. But if we did that we’d be making fun of a former chief who’s probably a very nice guy but is a lousy judge of retrievers.
Or we could mention Dakota House (no relation to the Chisasibi Houses, I’m sure), TeeVee on the Native soap opera North of 60, being beaten up at five in the morning in his Edmonton home, almost losing an ear in the process. For your information, dear editor, Dakota is recovering nicely and his assailant has been arrested, charged and was, if there is any justice, probably beaten himself. But who cares about that. I’ve been beaten up at five in the morning and I don’t have my publicist sending out press releases about the ugly details.
These readers want to hear the tale of the very Kennedyesque chief who was doing the dirty (or whatever the fashionable phrase is this week) on one of the conference room tables with an employee only to have her brag to everybody that she was doing the chief. Oh no, we could never tell them that. The two fornicators (for that is what they are) and everybody else would freak. Trust me on this. We don’t want everybody freakout out at the same time. I’ve seen it happen before, as have you I’m sure, and it’s not a pretty sight.
There are other inane stories we could publish. There’s that one I mentioned to you a few weeks ago. The one about the old chief who checked in to his suite at the Sheraton during the James Bay Project court case. He found a closet full of beer waiting for him. Reportedly, many of the other Cree guests at the Lodging found the same thing in their rooms. My sources theorize it was compliments of Hydro-Quebec. Others say it was someone from our side. I don’t know.
The good old days, eh? No wonder we got such a lousy deal. What was that line in the JBNQA? The Crees agree to surrender all… I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry.
Anyway, friend, that’s all I needed to say. Sorry about the column this week. The fans (where do I get the ego?) will understand.
Pass on the message to everyone at headquarters that I miss them all terribly already and I love them. See you in a few days. God willing.