We receive all kinds of letters here at The Nation. We get letters from angry readers, angry non-readers even, who have taken offense to certain stories. We also get letters filled with love thanking us for… well, just for being. Until now we haven’t had a single missive seeking our advice. This one came in written on a classified order form, short and sweet. It reads:

Dear Nation: I have been in a dilemma for quite a while now. How do I go about asking a guy out without being too intimidating? Anxiously waiting your reply. Signed A.

Dear A. This is the nineties baby. Just go up to that hunk and give him one of your wettest, sloppiest and therefore most passionate kisses. Once he recovers tell him this, “Take me, I’m yours. Let’s go away together and leave this place.” Chances are he feels the same way about you and will respond favorably. Then you can run away to the closest, seediest motel and have your fun.

If the advice above doesn’t suit your style, someone in the office advises, “Go up to him, grab him by the collar and throw him on the bed and if you’re not too heavy you can proceed to…” We’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

Still another of my colleagues advises, “Forget about him. He’s probably an asshole anyway. If you marry him he’ll beat you up and leave with all your lifesavings to be with another. He’ll come back weeks later asking to be let back in to your heart. But don’t believe him. He’ll do the same thing after he’s had his way with you. Forget about him. Men are pigs. They’re all the same.”

There’s one man who’s not a pig, though. He’s a friend of mine and his name is Erland. I can help you get in touch with him if you want. He’ll be very happy making you happy. Call us.

Will’s advice to you: Invite him to dinner. If you’re afraid of asking him alone, do it when there are other friends who are also couples and you are the only available woman. He should get the hint. If that doesn’t work, don’t forget, candy’s dandy but liquor’s quicker.

Seriously my friend, you can never be too intimidating when asking a guy out. Unless the guy has some deep-seated problem with girls. Believe me, guys want to be asked out by girls. It a huge ego boost for them. They’ll brag to their friends about it later. They’ll even tell your grandchildren about it. Men dream about having girls ask them out so go for it. Grab the bull by the horns. Who knows, he might even say yes and will want to have your children.