Item One: Photo Celebrity Contest: And the winner is… Wait a minute. Who is that with James Hetfield of Metallica?… I’m sorry dear readers. We do not have a winner. Gemini-award-nominated Jane of all Media Trades, Catherine Bainbridge, with her points hovering in the high 8’s will have to be disqualified from the contest due to her connections to The Nation and its affiliates. But she will receive a consolation prize. A Nation Calendar.
Aaa yes, Hetfield and the boys played Montreal nights ago. Several guys from Wemindji made it into a Gazette review when they held up a banner saying Montreallica. Receiving a nice round of applause. There was a mishap on stage during the show when a member of the crew fell from a beam and dangled over the stage on a ladder and Hetfield gave sh*t to someone on his crew. But I’ll let the guys who went tell you about it…
“Towards the end of the show they had a ‘crisis.’ All the equipment ‘blew up’ with technicians falling off the scaffolds and stuff. Pretty cool. Then they ‘salvaged’ the show and went on to the encore with bare bulbs as their light show. Apparently some of the Ottawans freaked at the Ottawa show and bolted for the exits. I heard that it is a lame concert town. ‘Around here you’re warned once. If you’re caught again you’re out,’ is a line that is heard before the show starts. There also were these ladies who thought they had the ticket or should I say ‘tickets.’ One of them showed their um, tickets and needless to say, her and her friend were shown to the floor nearer to the stage. Then another one decided to show her uh, tickets but was denied entry. I guess they weren’t the right kind of tickets.”
I had a ticket for the show but I chose to go south for a short vacation. You know, for some more rest and relaxation. The sunny destination I chose? New York. Six hours away by car. So I speed over to the border and spot a large flock of geese, perhaps forty or forty five of them, cross the highway in front of me and turn back abruptly. “That’s a good sign,” I say to no one in particular.
Once across the border I stay behind a Quebecer who’s doing 130 or 140 on the straightaways. Staying just far enough behind to see him brake for the state troopers. We drive through fields, cliffs, mountains, small towns and I stay behind him. I can’t help feeling that I’m annoying him. I change lanes when he does and pass when does. I’m not playing the game right. I should take the risk and lead for a few miles.
I did a while back but he passed me in the slow lane. The Quebecer is still in sight when a BMW with New York plates flies past me. He passes the Quebecer, who immediately follows, passing several more cars. I stay behind the Quebecer. We drive for miles without stopping, the BMW in front. I lose them at one point; I’m stuck behind an elderly couple. Several traffic violations are required to catch up to them. The troopers don’t stop people going several miles above the speed limit of 65 mph.
While going down a long straight slope the Quebec driver’s brake lights flash once.
I take my foot off the gas and roll down the hill. It’s the BMW getting who knows how much of a fine. One down, one to go before I have to slow down. I lose my leader just before Albany where I stop to eat. The clown at McDonald’s rips us off with an outrageous exchange rate they put at 60 per cent.
We reach the first toll stations past Albany and receive a card to hand over at the next station. Again I find another pace setter. He doesn’t go as fast as the previous ones but fast enough for a rude fat lady official with a thick New York accent to exclaim, “One hour! We should write this guy up.”
Less than two hours later we see the Empire State building looming in the smog laden horizon…
Story to be continued.
So did you fall for any April Fool’s jokes this year? Send in your stories if you have any good ones and we’ll feature them in a future issue. If possible send them E-mail to email@example.com. It just makes it easier for everybody. Just say it’s urgent.