I’m not sure how many people like to watch the Weather Network, but I watch it religiously, making sure that I have the next 3 days forecast down pat, so that I may add a few more details to our daily debates and enabling me to have the last word on whether it will snow or rain. The people in Osoyoos B.C. have it bad today, with a record-breaking temperature of 35.9 degrees Celsius. The unrelenting heat and sun for the last month or so up north leave me with two alarming thoughts.
1. The Russians have been using their ionosphere displacer to move nice weather closer to Siberia in order to increase the number of farming days to feed their starving masses, thus inadvertently changing the path of the jet stream in North America and wreaking havoc on the normal weather patterns, and,
2. Thongs will become THE apparel in the North, surpassing the South Americans’ capacity to produce more of the ever-popular disco heart stopper.
Since I doubt any of the latter assumptions to be true I can only dredge up crazy weather stories from way back when nice weather was considered to be an unnatural phenomena. For example, the year I was born, which many still consider to be the hottest time of the last century, the good people of Fort George had to contend with a late ice breakup and consequently the flooding of the entire island. Transportation was limited to paddling around from house to sub-merged house while a small band of men tried in vain to dynamite a massive ice dam at the mouth of the river.
In more modern times, work at the infamous James Bay project came to a halt when the mercury hit 116F and workers actually went insane from the heat. A fire spread quickly and forced the evacuation of the 15,000 men, leading to a work stoppage of a week which, in pre-inflationary dollars, was worth about half a billion dollars in delays. Nevertheless, they still built those damn dams. If it ain’t fire, it’s water.
On a heavier note, the famous writers and photographer of the Nation will be in your community soon, starting with Whapmagoostui. It just so happens that the Council Board of the Cree Regional Authority and Grand Council of the Crees will be in town at the same time (no tear gas please). With this type of oil and water mixture of personalities. I’m sure many interesting stories are just waiting to unfold for avid Nation readers across the country to lap up. Will Will finally get into political trouble and ruin his chance of ever becoming grand chief? Will Neil resort to plastic surgery some day to maintain his good looks in order to consistently score chicks without ever lifting a finger and just by saying, “Excuse me…miss?” (his favorite pickup line). Will the one and only ever be recognized and have to change his name to the only one? Stranger things have happened.
Back to the weather, I guess we’ll soon have to do it like they do on the weather channel, some high, some low. One day, just recently, an excited person ran into my office and told me to quickly go outside and see something amazing. I ran out just in time to see a single cloud in the sky rapidly form and then dissipate. Damn, I thought, no rain tonight. Another beautiful day in the north and I can’t help but smile back at those lamenting Newfies and their twenty two feet of snowfall and say “nice day, isn’t it?”
From the rapidly melting North, I remain, the one and only.
