“Heeehheeeheehaaahaaahooohhooo”said the dentist in a sinister ghostly voice, somehow making me feel like he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

“Woooooooooo..ooo.oooo.ooooohhhh…” say the little goblins after feasting on Halloween candies for a week straight, now in prone position at the dental clinic.

Yup. I believe that everyone wins big time during Halloween, from kids with the loot, costume shops, endless retailers and marketers, especially dentists. Talk about costumes, I wonder if a King Kong costume is available because I hear they really attract women, I wonder if it’s the hair factor or the pheromone factor (from all that sweat wearing the damn costume).

Anyways, as I searched high and low for interesting topics to write this column, I bumped into only one good joke. It goes: “Seen anything funny today?” – “Yeah, my paycheck.” Suffice to say, I had to resort to my imagination and think of something seasonable, like Halloween, so I’ve compiled some strange but truly scary stories.

A Stone for a Stone

Once upon a time, way back before the JBNQA, there was an old man who knew the old art of trickery. He would tell bad jokes and pull pranks on unsuspecting people, usually his sibling’s kids.

One day, on Halloween, no less, he decided to play a special prank on the kids who tricked or treated. He melted chocolate and hand dipped small stones in it, making a rather tasty looking treat. He gleefully cackled as he handed out his fake chocolates to all the little ghosts and goblins, when suddenly, he felt a great stabbing pain in his groin area. He hobbled to bathroom, pulled down his pants and pissed blood everywhere but in the bowl. He had passed a kidney stone.

Days later, maintenance workers came by to investigate the stench and the curiously pink water that was escaping from the doorway. Other people in the wildly curious group now surrounding the house included numerous lawyers threatening to sue for damages for at least 50 of his latest victims. There they found the old geezer floating silently in the bathroom, his face contorted in pain and sheer terror. Hheeeeheeehaahhaaa hoohohooo.

Thumbs up!

It was cold dark and wet that Halloween night in 1982 when Bob decided that he had enough of waiting for his girlfriend, Jane. Jane was late two hours and hadn’t even called or anything. Bob had two too many beers and wasn’t in the mood, when he spied Jane coming out of a strangers car.

In a rage, he got up and left the bar, brushing Jane so hard she fell down, tears swelling up and marring her susposedly waterproof makeup.

She shrieked, “Bob, please don’t…. I had to hitchhike here. My car broke down and that nice guy picked me up and brought me here. Please, Bob, you have to believe me” she sobbed.

Bob got in his black Mustang (he was proud of his fully equipped pickup machine) and opened his window and yelled out “Ain’t gonna make me change my mind, I know what I saw, you sl*t!” Bob shifted into gear.

Jane ran up and threw herself against Bob’s muscle car, “Please Bob, don’t leave me here”, then thrust her head into the car and tried to kiss Bob. This further enraged Bob and he sped off closing his windows. Jane screamed and screamed, begging Bob to stop, but Bob didn’t care to listen.

A minute later, he lit a cigarette and opened his window. Then he felt it, something warm and sticky sliding slowly down the left side of his neck. “What the…” he muttered then slowed down to a stop, reaching for that sticky object now threatening to creep down the back of his neck and down his shirt He turned on his interior lights to get a better look.

His eyes widened and he screamed with disgust as he threw Jane’s finger out the window. Heeeheeeeheaahaaha hooooohooo.

Ideas for scary Halloween costumes. Dress up as Cayce (the murderous clown) and lick your chops and rub your hands together every time you see a kid.

Put on a 3-piece suit brandish a pen and threaten to sign another agreement.

Wear nothing but hip waders and a camouflage scarf to cover your face.

Pretend to be the undead and give everyone hickeys

Wrap bacon around your face and go as Meathead

(For cross dressers only) wear ordinary men’s clothing

Wear a loin cloth and go as Cheetah’s boyfriend.


Ed Note: Would you really like to know who writes Rez Notes?


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